Goodbye;

Goodbye to this blog.

I'm starting FRESH.

Follow me in my new site;

http://lisaalovee.blogspot.com/

-Lisa

Unsatisfied.

Where'd all the holiday spirit go? Christmas just past and by far it was one of my worst.. Sure, I got everything I'd ask for that was on my list (which wasn't even a lot to begin with) but getting things, doesn't make it any better. I'm not going to blame the snow for the lack of family togetherness.. I'm not going to blame growing up because that is inevitable, but I am going to say that the families have drifted and no one really seems to be as close anymore.

I miss the traditional holiday parties when you'd dress up!, waking up at 10 to help cook, staying up 'till 2 am just because we all wanted to and no one wanted the nights to end. I miss how CLOSE we all once were and how much we needed each other for support, for guidance.

What happened?

That's the only question I want answered. Maybe it all seemed better when we were younger.. but as look as the younger generation of kids in my family, I feel sorry for them. They're not going to have traditions to do, memories/places to reminisce on, silly games of imagination. Now a day all the kids are consumed in all the high-tech things and getting all the best of the best, which they get because of their parents spoiling them. Yes, I said it. When I was 7 I felt lucky to get 1 barbie doll. And that's all I ever wanted too.

And as I'm turning back the time, I remember Christmas's started to change once my Grandpa passed away. He was always the one that picked out the biig tree (with the input of the his grandchildren but we'd always pick the goofy looking one's). Christmas's were held at his house and we'd do those Santa cards, bake cookies and hope we get all we wished for. When I come to think of it, I've stopped decorating trees after he past. I remember the mis-matched lights in which most lights didn't work. The random ornaments and the many candy cane's we'd put on the tree but would slowly disappear when Christmas day started to arrive.

I miss my Grandpa the most at Christmas time.

Well now it seems it's time for New Years.. time to re-evaluate goals and try to better one's self..

-Lisa

[pictures of Christmas 2007]

Christmas Day.

Christmas just doesn't feel like well, Christmas anymore.

Merry Christmas Eve.

Whoever said, "You don't know what you have until it's gone" is wrong, because you know exactly what you have when you have it, you just don't know how much you need it until you can't have it anymore.

--
I've come to a sad realization today.. Tradition is lost, sometimes family isn't everything to keeping a strong bond but it sure helps, the people you thought that would be with you 'till the end of time will break your heart; (regardless if they mean to or not), promises are broken,and you can always, always forgive..but never forget.

It's only takes one thing to make me feel this hurt. Yes, I say its okay. Who am I to stop happiness? But they sure can stop mine. I act like it doesn't bother me, when ever single day I can't help but think of how much I miss my.. bestfriend. I miss the way things used to be. It's hard to believe how it all changed in an instant. I don't want to say that I'm putting up walls or burning bridges, but I am going to keep my wall down and keep that bridge open..

I find it really hard to think that the one person I would go for practically everything, tell everything to, spend as much free time with.. was no longer there anymore. When I pick up the phone its hard not to dial those number and say, "Hey, why can't we turn back the time?"

It's too bad life doesn't work that way. Time is moving on and I need to move on with it.

But these memories, this lesson, I'll forever hold onto.

-Lisa

Hidden..Make it Right!

I think everybody has brokenness. There's no doubt about that. We live in a fallen world. This is not heaven. Everybody has scars. Everybody is hurting somewhere. I guarantee you that. Everybody has a hidden hurt..

Some days just go by and sometimes you just don't know where to turn, who to go to. All you can do is pick up your pieces.

I'm trying to take advantage of this whole no school/snow day cancellations. No stress, just relaxing, Right?. . . WRONG. I still have so much do be done by the new year and I'm not even sure where to start. With all the projects and make-up work I need to get done.. Not to mention, I want to set some new goals! I guess that's the most exciting part.. being able to start over. It's like an easy way to take the short cut, to cheat and say, "Hey! Look, I'm putting things in the past and this new year is going to be different.." Yeah, everyone can talk, but proving it is a whole different thing completely.

Anywayyyy, I don't want to get all caught up in that right now.. I wanna make it past Christmas first! I finished most of the shopping yesterday for all the cousins in my family..well the ones that are 5 years and under. Considering the crazy snow we're getting.. I was trying to get in the mall, finishing all the shopping and be done. But that's not how it went. I spent nearly 3 hours there =/ What a headache, But it's what you gotta do.

I really do find that a lot of the younger generations in my family are very spoiled, so I'm not even sure if the gifts I got them will even make an effect on them. It's just one more thing they can open up and than put aside. I want to see them be more appreciative, I would've killed to get a barbie dream house at their age! =/ Oh wells.

My parents keep asking me what my sister and I want. But when it comes down to it, I don't really ask for much. Considering that I already have what I need from them.. but to be a little greeedy, I would love to go and get my hair done *highlights! & a few pics :)
From CathyJeans! I'm a 6!

From Juicy!

A new KathyVanZeenland purse.

Any cute graphic Tee's :) Size; Small


I want colored washed jeans from PacSun! I'm a size Zer0! :)

-Lisa

Food Drive;Shopping Day

Total of cans; Over 67,000
Money total; $20,220

THE FOOD DRIVE. What a huge deal at my school. The snow is totally clashing with our schedule for it. Today is supposed to be delivery day but school got cancelled due to the snow =/ I'm so disappointed right now.

BUT yesterday was shopping day and boy it was hectic! This has been my first year at participating in the event so I was pretty much already excited about it already. I felt like I had been all over the place though. Either getting boxes put together, setting up to serve food, helping with the baby food boxes. I would've rather been doing something than just stand there the whole time. I'm totally thankful for how many people had showed up to help though because if not than we would've been at school 'till midnight trying to get all the shopping for the family done. We even had lost an hour of set-up because of the fact that we had the 2-hour delay. We were all optimistic about it.

I really wish I had taken pictures of everything. Although the stress was excruciating and I'm still completely exhausted from last night, it really was all worth it.

I'm hoping that some of the teachers/parents were able to go in to school and deliver some of the boxes today. If not, I'm also hoping for a 2 hour delay so that way the students get a chance to deliver. But what really matters is those 100 families are able to get the food that we've collected :)

We're totally hitting the holiday spirit and I'm loving it so much right now <3

-Lisa

Amen to this..

"You may not be her first, her last, or her only. She loved before she may love again. But if she loves you now, what else matters? She's not perfect - you aren't either, and the two of you may never be perfect together but if she can make you laugh, cause you to think twice, and admit to being human and making mistakes, hold onto her and give her the most you can. She may not be thinking about you every second of the day, but she will give you a part of her that she knows you can break - her heart. So don't hurt her, don't change her, don't analyze and don't expect more than she can give. Smile when she makes you happy, let her know when she makes you mad, and miss her when she's not there."
-BOB MARLEY

Snow babyy :)

Oh boy. Let it snow, Let it snow!

Another Saturday..

I don't want to be with somebody who would rather be with me than nobody. I want to be with somebody who would rather be with me than anybody.

Every night I stayed up, thinking my mind's made up. Every memory I hold on to. If I could only have a minute, I know how I'd spend it saying everything I feel for you.

And when I first met you, I never would have imagined I would have such strong feelings for you. I never would have thought that I would have dreams about you, or miss being by your side, or get butterflies in my stomach when someone mentions your name. When I first met you, I never would have thought that I would fall in love with you.

---
Just some quotes that I felt close to the heart with and had me thinking of Matthew. I think it's been over a week since I've last seen him =/ "Absence makes the heart grow fonder"..? As for that quote applying to me; it just makes me miss him so much more..

But anyways today just felt like another day of being home, just kinda reminiscing on things. When I woke up this morning I just really didn't feel like getting out of bed and doing anything. Maybe it was just a bad morning. But I've just been getting way to many of those. It seems like lately I've been having to re-evaluate myself..and everything that I'm doing. But hey, I got to stare out my window at the snow that was slowly falling to the ground.. (which by the way my dad just told me to make a snowman outside in our backyard. It's frreeeezing out! No way!)

Goodness, I feel as though I'm in a slump and I need to get out of it. Quick! I hate feeling like this. I need to get my lazy butt out of bed and quit watching sappy movies all day. I'm going to try to make the best of this upcoming week. The foood drive is coming to and end and things just need to get done without no stress. HA! Let's see if that'll really happen.

It seems like all I ever do is stress out. Whatever happened to all the fun? Never having to worry? Planning crazy stuff without actually having to do them? Now it seems like everything you say and everything you do, has such a huge impact. Is this what it means to start growing up? If so, how can I slow it down?

I just have so many questions..and I know most of them will always be left un-answered but that doesn't mean I'll stop asking.

-Lisa

Performance Day!

The performance at the assembly went amazing! I'm so happy about that. I got so much positive feedback and it felt really good. We worked hard on the routine and it really did show. I can't wait for the next performance day. We're finishing up the routine and it looks pretty good if I do say so myself :) Our coach is always telling us at practice to not care about what others say about the team.. Its high school, insecurities happen. But being on this team has showed me that I really don't care. I'm doing something that I enjoy. Sure, I'm good but I mainly do it because its an outlet for all the stress I go through and I just love performing..

-Lisa

This Week.. Weak.

Before you can begin fixing anything,
you must first start by doing the hardest thing;
forgiving yourself.

---
I just feel so overwhelmed.. more than I ever have before and I'm just tired. Tired of being tired of the same damn thing. Ugh, I just hate this so much. I've been having way too many bad days and lately its been getting harder for me to keep things straight.

Yesterday I cried for the first time at school and I've always told myself to never do that but I just got so fed up, I can't even begin to explain..

I wanna tell people I'm fine when they ask and not walk away, I wanna be okay, but I'm just not. I get so frustrated that I take it out on other people that don't deserve it, and I'm sorry for that but my tolerance level just gets so low. It's just too many bad days in one week.

Plus side is tomorrow is a performance! Finally! I'm sad that Ashley and Zahra are going to be gone from the assembly :( but Jessica will be recording it and Ashley's going to the varsity basketball game :) Which by the way a lot of people should be going. It'll be a good half time show! And I'd love the support.

-Lisa

Alalala.

---
I've been feeling super mixed emotions lately and its driving me crazy! There's just away too much going on and I'm feeling so overwhelmed.. and I just don't know what to do. Take it one step at time, like I always do. Hmm, is possible to every feel whelmed? Or would that to be content. I wanna feel that for once.. Not feeling over or under just right.

But anyways, this week seems to be going by super quick. I'm proud to say that I've doing good at doing my homeworks. Ugh, except for chemistry. I hate that class though. I'm failing still just cause I'm barely understanding anything. -_-" Anyone wanna tutor me?! For seriousnesss. I need some major help.

Oh yeah! Next week Friday dance will be performing with the breakers at the assembly and at the basketball game. The routine looks good so far but we just really need to clean it up with the breakers next week. We just need to dance BIG and all out. I just wish we weren't in out skirts >: We'll make due with it because I guess it's not that bad. I just can't wait to get sweats.

I guess this is all I'm going to blog for tonight. I need to finish my trig questions and start on my English read! I had to switch authors because my teacher said there's too many people doing to the same author but its all good because my alternate book isn't that bad.

-Lisa

PS. I miss my boyfriend, its weird being without him because I just don't like it very much :( I don't know if he'll read this or not but oh wells. I just thought I'd add it on..

Foood Driive!

This week has been super hectic! I can't believe it's only the first week of the food drive. We're doing so good right now. First period is soo busy though. I hate not having things to do sometimes because I feel like like I'm wasting some valuable time!

I've yet to go canning which makes me very upset cause last year I remember I went canning soo much. But now I barely even have any time to :( I'm planning on going sometime next week which makes me excited to stand out in the cold for 4 hours. . haha. Wow, I sound like a nerd but the food drive really is a great thing that goes on at Casade. I know to some people food drives are whatever but its a huge deal because our food drive helps families in our community. Ahh, I really can't wait for the shopping day and delivery day. Especially since I've done neither in the past 2 years.

Only a week and a half left! We have to keep pushing and collecting!

-Lisa

To be Passionate;

---
Sometimes I wish I was more passionate with the things that I do. I mean, I do a lot of things because it's something to do, something I'm interested in. But what I want to do is do things with more meaning. I'm starting to get more into dancing, but it's not as much as I want it to be. It's exciting to choreograph something, contribute ideas. But dancing seems to be just another activity to me.. I just really want to take it to another level. I want to take performing to another level. More excitement..

I think what I'm going to do is really amp things up at practice. Try to get the girls more excited to try something different! Maybe even step out of their comfort zones.

I really hate that I've stepped away from my writing. I remember I would love spending my nights writing in my journal, but now it seems as though just that I don't have the time anymore =/ Ugh. Growing up can be such a pain.

-Lisa

November 30, 1991

I really can't believe it's already my 17th birthday. It doesn't feel like it at all. I now see how much I've grown and how much I've changed.. always for the better though. Even though I'm not doing anything for it, it was really nice to see how many people remembered :)

Real talk, I can still remember the person I was to this day. And sometimes it's hard to look back and think of how much has changed. How much people have changed. It hurts, but by hurting you grow and become a better person.. sometimes I wish other people can be better. But there's just so much you can hope for, right?

It's funny to think of the question,"If you could turn back and change something, would you?"
My answer; I wouldn't change a thing, because every mistake, every regret, every change has made me the person that I am today. It's brought me to the people in my life and I truely feel blessed and thankful because I wouldn't know what do without those people.. they know who they are.. It seems crazy tp be growing up this fast but I feel ready to see what more the world has to offer and I'm ready to take it all on..

-Lisa

Thanksgiving.

So today is Thanksgiving.. a day to be thankful for the people in your life and be thankful for the things that you have. As for myself I am thankful for many many things.

My family; for being healthy, happy, beautiful and a strong support. I spent so much of my spare time with them and I know we've come a looong way. Always fighting.. but always fighting for the right thing, together.

My Sister; I'm pretty much thankful for mom and dad for having her. She's like my bestfriend than my sister, but either way she'll be in my life forever.. I know that I can trust her to have my back 'till the end.

My friends; They know who they are.. I just want to say thank you for never taking my loyalty for granted, for always listening to me and for always being there. Sometimes I know I can be totally screwed up, never knowing what to do, but you guys push me in the right direction and keep me in check. Even when at times I just loose myself.

Matthew; I am so thankful for you.. You are such a great boyfriend and I couldn't ask for more. You've taught me to trust and you've taught me to just be myself despite what others may think of me. I never thought that I'd be in such a good relationship with someone like I do with you. In the beginning I was scared but you've taught me to take a risk.I just love being with you and I'm thankful for having you in my life.


--
There's just so much more that I am thankful for but it's so hard to name them all, but all in all I'm happy that finally I feel like I'm in a good place in my life. I'm enjoying all the things that I'm accomplishing. I like where I'm going in life and there's no room for failure because I'm going to continue to take each opportunity that life throws at me. Even look to the negatives and find the good because I'm not looking for anymore regrets..

-Lisa

My Sunday's,

I feel like I wasted my weekend by moping around the house but for some reason I just don't feel like getting up, getting ready, and for what? Nothing to my satisfaction. I hate blowing off friends for hanging out but lately I don't know I just can't seem to want to do anything. Sadly, as I'm sitting here I'm looking out my window and see that it's a nice sunny day. *Sigh*, yet I'm stuck inside. Not feeling the need to get out there. Maybe, just maybe I'll sit out, journal in hand?.. Just like I used to. No prompt to write out, no particular reason. Just a notebook, pen in hand, doodling the thoughts that come to mind.

Oh, how I miss not having a care in the world. Last night I had been flipping through the numerous journals I had laying around and saw how mediocre my writing has been. I want to try and have more of a deeper meaning to it. Although I must admit I got a laugh at reading of my past. A past that I'm not ashamed of but more like thankful for the lessons I learned. If being naive is a bliss than I had a hell of a blissful past years.

Even reading through blogs.. I'm one of the very few people out there that keep a daily blog.. sounds silly, but I get excited when people tell me that they read it and they relate to it or even inspire? Sometimes I forgot that there's more to conversate outside of the inter web.. but I was thinking that it's easy to write over the web and anyone that comes across is a stranger trying to take a grasp of your life. It's easy to write when no one know's who you really are. But just by reading a blog anyone out there can get a little snippet.

Ah, this blog is getting longer that I intentionally wanted it to be. So its Sunday- that means its time to finish all my homework, to study.. I barely even touched any of my trig hmwk and I yet to touch my english notebook. I guess I should get started on that now. I'm ending it here.

-Lisa

A Realization.

Isn't funny how the mind can wonder?.. Sometimes I just don't even know. I'm always asking myself, how did things end up this? Don't get me wrong, thing are going well great, but somehow a part of me feels like I could've done something better.. I could be better.

I hate feeling a low, a low that I can't dig myself out of but all I can do is just try to. I have supports from few, I just wish that it could mean more. Since the beginning of this year, I have felt like I've grown so much as a person. Heck, its almost my 17th birthday and let me tell you being 16 was not as sweet as people say it to be. I went through so much crapp from people that made me have to question all the actions that people make. I got lost trying to figure why people do the things they do that I questioned myself and my own better judgement.

I felt as though I was loosing at this game so called life. I was just a meaningless factor to it.. Now, I have an optimistic mind and all I can ever really do is move on from people I grew out of and know that there is so much better out there for me. I just need to believe in it.

Being year older means being more wiser, not so naive. Learning from my mistakes and putting to use all of the lessons that I've learned. I've become more independent and established who I am from the rest out there. I want to grow so much more now..

I want a purpose. A big purpose to why I'm still here today. Should I worship, should I pray, should I hope?
Worship to those who gave my life?
Pray for those who need more help than myself?
And hope for a better tomorrow?

My heart, mind, and soul have an urge. A desire to just help, to do better. I still struggle find who I am. But with each step that I take is a step closer to seeing who I truly am..

-Lisa

Over-Thinking It.

Lately I've been letting my feelings get the best of me and I'm not sure why. It seems crazy though because before I would hold my composure but once I'm secluded to myself something happens and its like everything is just out there..

I'm just scared, scared of the future and what it holds. Scared of not knowing what to do next. Maybe even a little scared to be at the next step.. I'm not even sure. But all I can is shake this off right? Cause I'm good at it.

-Lisa

& So these days go by,

"We are not primarily put on this earth to see through one another,
but to see one another through."
-Peter De Vries

--
I need to do another update. Ugh, it really seems like these days just come and go and I just don't know what to with myself. It feels like I'm doing whatever when I really need to just be focused. Let me do my highlights for the week real fast.

Well on Thursday I had gone to a LASC meeting with a few people from my leadership class and it was a really fun experience. It was held at Meadowdale High School.The purpose of the meeting was to talk about the importance of good sportsmanship and how we can implement it in our schools. It started off with a guest speaker whom I thought did a great job even though it seems seam like he had gotten off topic a bit and I got lost following his analogy but I mostly understood the point he was making. It was really interesting talking to people from other schools and seeing how their schools would treat things. It really made me think of how much I really want to get Cascade more spirited and more excited about things. I know its not going to be an over nigh thing and its going to take a lot of steps to getting there. But in order to make change you need to start somewhere, even if their just getting ideas down on a scratch piece of paper.

Than yesterday (Saturday), DECA had their 2nd Safeway Take-Over. I'm really happy about the amount of people that decided to take part in the event. It really did look like we were taking over. Ha Ha Ha. I know that was a little lame. But I was talking to our advisor and our chapter has seriously grown so much since last year. I had fun walking around and doing the announcements about what we were doing even though sometimes I would flub on it. I thought the best part of it was doing the pie walk because it was fun finding someone in the isle and saying "Hey, you're the winner! You get a free pie!" Overall, I must say that this was yet another successful event that DECA has done. Now I just can't wait to compete in January. Me and Ashley are finally going to start out project on Wednesday, right after we talk to the guy from the Ice Cream Scoop via-phone meeting. But 11 pages will be easy, the hard part will be making sure that we meet the deadline. Eeeek.

As of right now I'm mainly procrastinating by blogging. I've done most of my homework but this habit really does need to stop. Omg, I was checking my email earlier and I've been getting a lot of emails from Universities and its freaking me out cause we're all so close to being in the "real world". Especially after Hasstedt had us filling out college applications, it was like ahh I'll be sending these off foreal soon.

Real talk, the future is here and no matter how much we think its not, it really is..

-Lisa

Remember,

So I just woke up and I felt a sudden urge to blog as I was getting dressed. Today is Veteran's Day. A day to remember those who served and be thankful to those serving for our country today. War is such a risky topic to talk about. Some are pro-War, while others are anti-war. As for myself, I really don't understand the war. But I see it effect many around me and it just makes me sad. And I always just wonder why..

-Lisa

I dance..

"I dance to obliterate duration.
I dance to dignify form as content.

I dance to equalize figure and surround.

I dance to put intuition in conversation with thought.

I dance to demonstrate the great facility and ridiculous limits of the
un-accoutered human body.

I dance not to be stuck in one position.

I dance in order to stand up straight.

I dance because you don't have to carry your instrument.

I dance because I can't wait to be asked.

I dance to achieve a vital, non-heroic presence.

I dance to shrink to an irreducible kernel of purified being.

I dance to arouse things out there that have not yet done so to enter my mind.

I dance to have a say in what I submit to.

I dance to forget why I dance."

-Douglas Dunn

---
Amazing quote! <3 I haven't had dance practice for almost a week now and let me tell you, I am missing it! No joke. Hopefully we got practice on Thursday, but no rush since coach is still recovering (Best wishes!) I can't wait for the collaboration with the breakers though. It's going to quite interesting, like I have said before. I've gotten to see a little something, something from a few of them. And its not bad at all.

But anywhoos, its blowing my mind at how we're already hitting the middle of November! Shooot, I'm feeling all over the place with stress. Is it possible to have good stress? I don't even know. I'm happy with a few things that are going on but on the other hand I just want to so F*** it. Now, its not like me to be all pessimistic but sometimes when you've had enough, that's all you can really give.

The few things that are keeping me going is the holidays! I absolutely love the holiday spirit that seems to sweep everyone's mind off of all the bad. Is it too soon to be talking about it? Nahhhh. I really just can't wait though! :)

-Lisa

Hectic Dawwwg.

The best feeling in the world
is finally knowing that you
took a step in the right direction,
a step towards the future where everything
that you never thought was possible,
IS POSSIBLE.

--
This week had went by so fast. I just really need to catch my breath, take a step back, and relax for a little bit. I really can't believe how quickly things are changing. Ahh, I look back to a year ago and would not have guessed that things would turn out like this. For the better, yes? Eh, sometimes I don't even know. But what I do know is I've never felt as successful and full-filled as I do now.

I remember I used to be a shy/timid girl never know what to do or when to do it. But now I know to be more independent. Shoot, I even am helping other people do things! I'm really glad that I joined leadership this year. Yeah, I now I'm involved with other things but I feel so much more involved being in the class.

The food drive is coming up and it's going to be so exciting. But at the same time I know it's going to be so hectic. Most of us have started working on our committees but it seems like its so close and we need to prepare for so much more. I'm just really hoping that things will run smoothly for that because our food drive really does help out our community in such a big way. I've helped out with the food drive in the previous years but I can't wait to be involved with the shopping/delivery day because it'll just be a new experience.

Besides all that, DECA is starting to prepare for the Area 1 competitions. Oh geez, it seems just like last year, competing for the first time. I'm so nervous but I'm really going to be prepared for this years. I'm planning to do a role-play by myself in Sports and Entertainment. Than I'm planning on doing a Team role-play with Katie. So that will be fun because this year will be her first time at competing. I can't wait for STATE! Which by the way, Ashley and I still need to get started on xP

So this is it for my blog for today!


-Lisa

Time for Change!

The elections were so exciting! I really wanted to blog about this earlier but I didn't have any time to xP Well we did a mock elections at my school, and let me tell you that day was hella busy. I missed most of my classes cause I had to help with the voting during the day. But it was a good thing to do. Than the night of elections, I was so excited when I found out that Barack Obama is going to be our next president! And here's the infamous question.. "Is our country ready for a black president?" I would say that we've been ready. Our country is seriously in for change, but we really do need change for the better! Here's my opinion on McCain - I had a feeling that he might have won if he had not chose Sarah Palin as his running mate, because honestly if he were to die (you know cause he's old) we would've had to face having Palin taking over. And our country would soo not be ready for that! Considering how she can barely run Alaska!Haha, okay that was my two cents on that. But seriously BARACK OBAMA! YESSS.

-Lisa

How HE makes me feel.

You take my hand and you pull me close and hold me tight. It's that sweet love that you give to me, that makes me believe we can make it through anything cause when it all comes down and I'm feeling like I'll never last, I just lean on you, cause you're my better half.

--
I often wonder what if..
what if we never met,
what if our cross never passed like it did,
what if we never took the chance,
never took the risk.

I remember always being the girl that didn't necessarily have the fear of commitment.. just didn't want to get to close.. just so I wouldn't be so vulnerable to getting hurt. Would just be too scared and back out when things didn't feel right. I used to think that there was always something wrong with myself. But now I realize, why did I always tear myself down when it was never really my fault that my heart felt the way it did?..

I'm still scared, I'm not going to lie and say that the fear had just magically disappeared. But the main reason why my fear has subsided is the way my boyfriend makes me feel each and ever day I spend with him. He gives me a sense of stability that I've never felt before and that I can act like well.. myself and I don't have to worry about him thinking that I'm so weird. (Cause you know, being normal is totally over-rated xP )

Sometimes I start to think about the beginning and just giggle because it really is amazing how we started out.. I wasn't looking to get serious, but something just happened and it was like wow, why can't I stop thinking about him?! We would talk almost every day and my weekends had mostly consisted of hanging out with him or wanting to hang out with him. And now as I look to see how far we've come I'm just truely happy. The happiest I've ever been with anyone.

I really do cherish every moment we spend together.. I really wouldn't know what to do with myself if he weren't in my life. At this point he really is a huge part of it in every way possible. I guess its true when people say you wouldn't really kow unless you experience it for yourself because I really could sit here, trying to explain it all but it really wouldn't compare to the feeling in itself.

I know I'm totally lame for writing this blog but I just felt like writing a blog out and it just happened to turn out that I felt like writing about him. :)

-Lisa

Omgawwwsh,

I've been busy, busy, busy! It's so insane. This week seemed like it just went by so fast. And I just can't believe that we're already in November! Wtfreak, it seemed just like yesterday that I was complaining about the summer days coming to an end. Maybe its because almost every single day I've got something planned that I need to be on top of. But I've learned to not pile everything at once, so than its not as overwhelming when you're trying to do everything. Taking it one hour of the day at a time works out just fine.

It just seems like school is taking almost all of my time. But you know what? I'mma make it biiiiig. And if that means spending the added 3 hours at school, than that's fine with me. At least I'm getting things done. I'm losing sleep but its all good. I'll just catch up my zzz's on the weekends. (If I even can. Haha.)

But what I'm super excited about is the upcoming DECA competitions. Me and Ashley are about to start our project for state. And I'm super excited about that because first of all the first time we went to state was such a great experience. And second, its going to be great competing again since we're not total newbies! Haha, okay that sounded kind of lame but I just can't wait.

Ahh, I don't even know what else to write about because my mind is literally all over the place. I can't help but think, "Wow, I've changed, but for the better." Time is passing us by, as always and you can't really stop it, so I'm not wasting time by hesitating on any of my actions. I really am at the point where whatever I do will affect what will happen later. I know I've already touched on this subject on my last blog but its just so true and that's where my mind keeps going back to. I gotta end it here though.

"It's an interesting time in your life because you're trying to act older and mature, but you really have no idea what you're doing. You're scared, and it's okay to be scared. It's okay to not know completely what you want or what you should be doing and to stumble a little bit."
-Milo Ventimiglia-

-Lisa

Growwing Up.

I never realized how naive I used to be about love. Being in love and being able to love someone are the two most difficult things to understand and do. I now realize that in my past I would use the word so often. Yeah, I love you. But I never really meant it. It just seemed like I would say it because that's what the other person wanted to hear.. yeah I know. Not a smart move. Hearts get more broken when you say things that you don't mean, even worse when you do.

As the days go by, and I start to be more mature and responsible with each and every choice that I begin to make.

Your actions have consequences and your life is the living proof..

-Lisa

Pain.

Because that's not what people want to hear.
They want to hear that it's going to be okay.
That the pain goes away, but it doesn't.
It never does..

--
Pain is inevitable, we all know this. So why do we run away from it? It catches up to you and once it does, it's always at the worst time possible. Embrace the pain. How?, you may be asking. Take the pain, channel it through something good. Whether it be through dancing/singing/writing/a sport such as tennis or soccer/etc.

I've learned that running away is never the answer. The problem will always be there, so face it. Yeah, its hard but it beats wasting all of your time and energy from running away.

-Lisa

Enough ?

That's what I'm afraid of.
Not being enough.
Not good enough,
Not smart enough,
Not pretty enough.
-One Tree Hill

--
Why set a limit to standards of being enough? Be who you think YOU should be and live to your own standards. .

-Lisa

Fast Pace.

Your biggest challenge isn't someone else. It's the ache in your lungs, the burning in your legs, and the voice inside you that says "can't". But you don't listen, you push harder. You hear the voice whisper "can" and you discover that the person you thought you were is no match for the one you really are.

--
This week has gone by suppaaa fast. Its crazy, tomorrow's already Friday! I didn't really do much this week so its weird. Usually my most busiest are the ones that go by extremely slow. Oh wells, I love having things to do and when there's down time to do whatever than that's good too. I have to admit that I've been doing pretty good at not double-booking anything.

So I'm just going update on little bits of things, to vent out a little bit. Well to start off, school has been effing stressful. I hate the whole lettering grades. Especially in the classes where you don't really turn in assignments that often. So far I've got C's & F's. It's such a biiiitch. I hate having to explain to my parents about this cause they don't really understand. Than my whole extra-curriculum that I've got going on kinda makes it even more difficult to balance things out. But I do it anyways. I just really want them to see how hard I try but it just feels that everything is just slightly below average for them. I get upset about it but than I realize that there's not much that I can do but keep trying. I know that some people can empathize on what I mean.

But I really do like my classes this year. I don't if its just because it's junior year and so that means its the year to buckle down and get serious or what. I really feel as though I'm finally getting it together. (=

Oh yeah, & I have yet to update on how the dance team is going. So last Friday we had a performance at the Football. Now, I'm not one to get embarrassed that easily.. But that night had honestly felt like one of the most embarrassing moments of my life. Mainly because we couldn't hear the music yet again, and some of the girls forgot the dance and just froze. =/ I'm hoping since now that we have a month 'till our next performance that the girls REALLY step it up. So far the routine we're learning right now is fast, but I think it's going to get most of the girls to loosen up and just do it, and to not worry about looking "funny." And as for the people that have been talking badly of the girls, all I have to say is, Well do you have the guts to do what we do? Learn a whole dance routine that is roughly over 2 minutes long, plus formations in less than 2 weeks? And perform in front of over 300 people and prove them wrong. I'm honestly proud of our team because we work hard but we still have fun doing it.

Ahh, this blog is getting longer than I thought it was going to be. I'm kinda just rambling on now because I have no homework tonight! (YAY!) And I just feel like I need to just vent it out..

-Lisa

P.S. I miss my boyfriend <3
Missing someone gets easier every day,
because even though it's one day further
from the last time you saw each other;
it's one day closer to the next time you will.
-One Tree Hill

I just found that quote and it just reminded me of him, I get to see him tomorrow but still. It doesn't change the fact that I miss him mucho :(

I'm lamme xP

TO FULLY READ, CLICK ON THE IMAGE! :D

Quick Blog

So I have an hour to finish all my homework and than I'm heading over to Cascade for the CarBash and Bonfire in which I hope to see a lot of people there! (= So I just thought that I'd blog for a bit cause it looks as though this weekend is going to be amazing. Why?, you may ask.

Hmm, well its already starting off good with tonight! Tomorrow will be the Homecoming Football game vs Snohomish. The Dance Team WILL be performing depsite what were told otherwise last week. I'm hoping that this performance will be better because 1. we will not be on the field. 2. we'll be on the side line so therefore we will be able to hear the music. 3. because of that we will be able to start on time! 4. the routine was hella easy to learn so I'm happy we had gotten it all down today at practice.

Than on Saturday Night I'm going to Homecoming with all my girls. So far I've heard that a lot of people are going in groups. So all I gottsa say is Ha Ha Ha to those who have dates. xp It's going to super fun.

Okay well this was pretty quick so now I really just gotta finish up my homework or else than I'm screwed -_-"

-Lisa

Time.

So these past few days have felt extremely long for some odd reason. I like taking days one at time but for some reason this week feels like torture. Especially since something has been going on each day, it makes it seem like there are 3 days combined into one. . I'm quickly running on l o w when I need to be on on high at this point.

I really want a get away and disappear for a little bit, just so I get the chance to get my act together. For some reason I have a short fuse and the smallest things are upsetting me. And you know how people say the way you act will effect other's day too? Well, I've been trying so hard to put a go to happy face but its getting hard. But I do it anyways.

I keep struggling with people asking me if I'm okay. I'm still not sure why that question bugs me so much. But it just does. Because sometimes I ask myself and than I realize that I can't even even answer myself. Ergggg.

Get it together, that's all I need to do.

-Lisa

DECA Camp/Homecoming Night - 10/4

Yupp, yupp. Busy day. I got up at 5:30am to get ready to go to Camp Killoqua for DECA camp. I must say that it was a successful trip for us. We had about 30 members that attended which I thought was great. It was a great opportunity to meet new people and bond. I was on the purple team and make the most illest rap! xP We played a lot of ice breakers like "baby if you love.." Where you would sit on some one's lap and try to get them to smile. It was pretty funny, I could not stop laughing. Later we had a competition in which we had to build the tallest-standing structure, my team won 3rd even though it totally fell over! Haha. Erg, but through-out all the madness I could not stop thinking about going to homecoming with my boyfriend later that night.

So I got home around 4ish, lucky me I got 2 hours and the help from my sister. I don't know what I would've done if she wasn't there to help me. So than 6'0clock hit and all I'm thinking is oh crap, am I done? Am I forgetting something. So than the boyfriend comes over and I told my parents about meeting him. He said he was nervous meeting them. Cute, right? My dad seemed kinda confused, same with my mom. But they don't really understand what homecoming is and I had already tried explaining it to them.

After we went to the boyfriend's house because his mom wanted to take pictures. I like taking pictures and all but I could not wait to leave because 1, we took pictures outside. 2, it was freezing! and 3. I was hungry. Haha. Than Taylor, Alexa, and Brett came and more pictures were taken! After all that we went to McHales in Lynnwood for dinner. It was yummy.

After being all full, we headed over to Alexa's house to get her i.d. because she forgot it and than we headed over to the dance. At first there wasn't that many people there so we went to get more pictures taken. After heading back up there were wayy more people. I thought it was so nice seeing the old Explorer people. Oh how I miss everyone but whenever there's an opportunity to see them, its great. There were so many people grouped around and omg, it was a pain dancing in heals so after a few songs I was like I'm taking them off! xp There were a few good songs. Some of them were iffy to dance to but we managed it anyways! (; Well the dance ended at 11:30 and it felt as though time flew by hella fast. Sounds cliche but when you're having the best time of your life with that special someone, the time does just go by.

After the dance was over I had to go back to my house to grab a pair of socks to go bowling! So I suck at it but it was still mucho fun. We bowled 'till 2 in the morning but I seriously was thinking where is all the time going! The boyfriend won the first time but I was determined to catch up and beat him but later in the night I didn't care anymore. All that mattered was just getting to be in his arms and kissing him through out the night. Once I got home, I was hella exhausted and just knocked out. Over all the night was amazing.

If I could spend forever in time, it would be with you.

-Lisa

October Already?!

Tell your family that you love them everyday, give your best friend the biggest hug in the world, & cherish every moment you share with your significant other, because you never know when it will be your last time experiencing it.

---
Wow, I cannot believe that we're already in the second month of school right now. It seems as though time can be going by slow when in reality it's just passing us by . . we just don't know it because we're so preoccupied doing our own things. We don't take the time to cherish it all until moments like this when you're left thinking, "Where did all the time ago? The times when I could've done this or should've done that."

I've been soo effing busy, I seriously just don't know what to do sometimes. This week I've been getting the worst headaches ever because my mind is just racing about what to do. I hate feeling stressed out. But at least I'm trying to keep organized Key word is trying. So far I'm not doing a very good job at it because I'm lagging big time.

I'm kinda hoping that this month goes by quick just because there are so many things going on. For example, Homecoming this Saturday with the boyfriend, DECA Camp, than my school's homecoming week, which have I mention that I'm a candidate for Junior Class Princess? (It's not that exciting when there's about 50 other people on the list as well.), DECA Week, Volunteering @ Safeway for Breast Cancer Awareness, Movie Night, Halloween Funfest, & just so much more things that I don't really feel like naming off.

My goal is to make through the next week and maybe things will get set . .

Erg, I really need to blog more often. Too much happens and I start to feel overwhelmed. Plus blogging just is a good way to relief all of it.

-Lisa

P.S.
I told Ashley I'd blog about this, so today at lunch there was a crow flying around the cafeteria. It was pretty scary. I thought it was going to come and fly over to take my food. Gosh, I hate birds . . I wonder how they got the bird out though.. well I thought I'd just share that.

Updated yoo.

I want to believe in it all again. In art, fate, and love and I want to believe that I've made the right choice and that I'm on the right path and there's still time to fix the mistakes that I've made and I guess I want hope.
-One Tree Hill

--
Okayy, so its been awhile since I last blogged so I need update just a little bit right now. Well school has just hella hectic. I'm hella feeling stressed about a lot of things. But I'm on top of most of it so its not too bad.

So far I have D's & F's in my classes but its mostly because I have hella make-up stuf to do because I've been missing a lot of days for leadership stuff. But I'm getting on top of it. I'm just hating that it's the first month and I'm already feeling as though I'm falling behind. =/ I just gotta relax about most of it. I know that things will be fine but for some reason that still doesn't stop me from freaking out about the little things.

The dance team had our first performance on Friday the 26th to the song When I Grow up by The Pussycat Dolls. Omg, hella nerve wracking. But overall it was pretty good for our first performance. But when we performed at the football game it was soo bad cause first off the band took effing forever to be done. So we weren't sure if we'd even have enough time. But Klocke said that it was still going to be okay. But we could not even hear the music. So we were out there talking to each other. Saying stuff like "Remember your lines" "HHAHA!" "Omg, this is bad" But even though that happened we did alright. Our next song is Closer by Ne-Yo & so far I like the choreography that we have. I was just hella out of it today during practice though. I'll get it by next practice, I'm hoping. Our next performance is at the homecoming football game. We've got 3 practices before it.

I'm super excited to go to my boyfriends homecoming this Saturday :) I've gotten my nails done, I know how my hair/make-up is going to be. & my dress is perfect.. well as perfect as its going to get. Haha. But boy, oh boy. I'm just feeling a little overwhelmed yet excited for so much that is going to happen.

-Lisa

Feeling Weak,

I'm sitting here just contemplating over the right and the wrongs. And I'm realizing that, it doesn't matter to me anymore. I used to care so much. But I am really at the point in my life where it doesn't matter anymore.

Accept me for who I am, Accept me for the things that I do. If you don't want to, that's also fine for me because I'm content with myself. That's what matters.

I've really had enough with the people that choose to walk out of my life and those that take advantage of my loyalty. I'm no longer going to be hoping/wanting someone to be my friend. That's pathetic, if you want to be than fight. I'm honestly so done. I really do have so much to give for those who give back to me.

I'm over crying, I'm over feeling weak, I'm over feeling as though I wasn't good enough to be a priorty because as I look at the bigger picture, I can see that I have so much more going. And I'm able to make it with the support of those that care.

To those people, I just have to say one thing. Thank you, because I know that sometimes I can be hard to deal with but I'm honestly so happy to those with the patience to help me.

A few things I'm looking forward to;
First Dance Performance is on the 26 @ the Pep Rally; King 5 News will be broadcasting it :)
Than Football game vs Everett for another performance, be there!
DECA will be heading to Camp Killoqua for another great leadership skilled activity.
Going to my boyfriend's homecoming =D
& so much more.

-Lisa

Blood Drive

Did you know when you donate blood, you can save 3 lives?

---
So today was the 2nd day for the blood drive & I got to be a runner for it, which was fun because I got to miss my morning classes, except for the fact that I had to keep walking all the way across campus every like 15 minutes, but it was all good.

I'm really jelous of the people that are able to give blood. I remember during my freshman year, doing the blood drive was one of the things that I was looking forward to doing but than I find out you have to be a certain weight. Wth, right? I'm 5 lbs. under. Ugh!

The next blood drive is in February, so by than I'm hoping to gain that much to do it and actually be able to. There were a lot of people that tried to give blood but weren't able to do, which just really sucks, but its the thought of trying that counts!

-Lisa

Dreams.

A dream is a wish your heart makes ,
when your fast asleep.
In dreams you'll lose your heartaches ,
whatever you wish for - you keep .
Have faith in your dreams ,
& someday your rainbow will come shining ahead .
No matter how your heart is grieving,
if you keep on believing -
the dreams that you wish will come true.
- Cinderella

---

Oh how I remember the feeling whenever I'd watch that movie. I believed that everything was possible. But now I can't help but wonder . .

-Lisa

A Tad Drained Out,

I'm running on low and I'm pushing through with everything I got in me. I got a lot on my plate but what the hell, you only live once. I must say that I'm balancing my schedule way better than I thought I would be. Which makes me happy. But I'm frustrated because of the fact of fast my schedule is getting pact. I can't double book, so I'm being supperr careful about that. I'm busy 'till uhm, December. Errrrg.

I love having dance practices though. It's such a good stress reliever. I'm really proud of the team right now because we've basically learned a whole dance routine within a week in a half. And that pretty good when we didn't meet at all during the summer. The only downside is that we have to dance in the skirts, but I'm thinking if we tweak some of the moves, it really won't be that bad. First performance will be September 26 @ the Football Game vs. Everett! Perfect, right?

Okay so something besides school., so the strike with Boeing is really suck-ish cause I can tell my Dad is hella bored at home. And the strike might last for a month or two. But lately my Dad's actually been doing some "parenting." It's really nice because when I was younger he was never really around. So now I'm just trying to get that time back. I know it sounds really stupid because you can't really make up all of it, but you can make the most of it now. I realize how tedious and stupid it was to be mad at him for stupid reasons.

Well, I just really need to shake away all this bad feeling. It's just gets really hard because whenever I get frustrated all I do is cry. And its just bullshit. I just gotta keep telling myself that it'll be fine later on.

You have to take the bad to get the good. That's just how it works. Be thankful for what you have, be hopeful for what's to come, and know that you're blessed with what you have. Never regret, learn from you're mistakes. Forgive, sympathize, and love.

-Lisa

Wasted Energy,

You don't want to let people in.
It's hard for you.
& once you let those people in,
you don't want to let them go.
And when they screw up, it's like, why would you do that to me?
I gave you my feelings,
I did everything for you,
& you still screwed me over.
It's like you wished they were a better person.
-The hills

---
I can't sleep, which really sucks because I know later in the day tomorrow I'm going to be complaining about how tired I am. Its just lately, my mind has been drifting and I find myself spacing out to problems I shouldn't even be thinking about.

I've always told myself to not waste my time and energy on such pity little things. How come it seems as though when I do put things aside they eat away at me even more?

Sure, talking things out help. But how come it seems as though I've lost..

ITS EITHER YOU GIVE IN, GIVE UP, OR GIVE IT YOUR ALL.

I had given in, I had refused to give up but it seems as though I have, I gave it everything I had. So am I just done. Can you even be in that state? I'm not mad.. maybe I'm bitter at the whole situation. A little upset? Sure. But never mad.

-Lisa

Uhm, Sundays.

It felt like my weekend had went by super fast. And now it's time for school again tomorrow! It's insane because I can barely remember what I had done, so now I'm stuck here trying to finish all of my homework in which I had neglected in the few days I had left to finish.

All we can really do is cherish the days we have and not take them for granted right?

Well, I can't wait for this first full week of school. There's going to be a lot to do. Tomorrow I have a cabinet meeting in the morning and than I got dance practice afterschool :) I'm excited to learn the rest of the choreography. But oh boy, I still gotta change my schedule cause so far my US History class is a total bore to me!

-Lisa

The First Week,

The First week of school seemed like we had been in school for weeks now or something. I think maybe I have too much on my plate but like I've said before I really wouldn't want it any other way. I hate wasting time and I hate never having anything to do.

So yesterday was Arena Day and it was completely insane. Hasstedt had me running around everywhere and I was surprised that I didn't knock over any of the lined ropes. I was first assigned to make sure that no one was able to come back into the gym but than I had to take pictures for the Chairs evaluation sheets.

But later on in the next few periods we soon ed realized that it was taking too long for the photographers to explain was was going on with their ID cards because this is the first year that we actually had gotten our cards on the spot. So than some of us were assigned to explain to each student that once their picture was taken that they needed to look at the card and make sure that all of their information, IE ID # & names were correct. I must have said the same thing over 100 times! By the end of the day I could not talk anymore xp

But anyways, that was soo crazy. I missed all of my classes and now I gotta bunch to catch up on since I put it off for a day. I'm kinda stressed out about what dance is going to do though. Our first performance is coming up on the 19th. I got half of the routine down but I don't know the formations. I'm happy that we got a lot of practices from now 'till than and I'm hoping our coach puts in more practice days so that we're prepared for it.

Ahh! Just so much to do. But I'm happy the first week started off gooood :D

-Lisa

First Day!

. . . went really good. Even though I had to wake up super early for Hot Cocoa morning. Time seemed like it was going by so slow but than it sped up near the end of the day.

My highlights for the day;
Adv. Leadership - We got donuts & just talked about our hits & wishes on the events.
English 3 Honors - Wrote a paragraph about our partner's & let me tell you that mine about Bartee was awesome xp
US History - Funny stories, Hiroshima ?
Alg2Trig - Wrong/Right answers. Wtf eh.
Chemistry - Only 3 girls in the class! Haha.
Beginning Drama - We watched a movie on Broadway.

Than afterschool was a DECA meeting. Omg I feel so overwhelmed but I'm ready/excited/nervous for this year. But I'm soo overbooked. I don't know how I'm going to be able to juggle it all.

Well tomorrow I'm looking forward to our first dance practice since a long ass time! Ahh, its been so long. I can't wait to just start back up again with all the girls :)

-Lisa

WTFreak,

Time grabs you by the wrist -
directs you where to go.
So make the best of this test , and dont ask why.
It's a question , but a lesson learned in time.

---
It's already September! >:[ Where did all the time go?! It seems as though on the last day of school the days to come were going to be endless. But 2 1/2 months had gone by super fast.

Agk, I must say that this summer has been the best by far. Lots of memories made, new friendships made, others became stronger, & I've learned a lot about the person I am, and the kind of person I want to be in the upcoming future. Need I say that some of my morals and intentions had been tested? . .

Although I am sad for the summer nights to end, I am ready for the school year. JUNIORS BABY! :D I don't even know what I'm going to tell people when they ask me what I did over the summer or what my favorite memory was. I had done so many things and shared experiences with people that I will never forget.

I know that its going to be hard on the relationship with my boyfriend, but that's what you have to do. You gotta fight, and you have to see how far it'll take you. He really is thee best thing that happened to this summer, actually not even this summer ; for the year. Sometimes I get scared to see what will happen, but I love taking the risk and I love that he's always there for me. <3

Wow, my emotions seriously feel so torn.
Happy/Sad, Happy/Sad, Happy/Sad, Happy/Sad.

-Lisa

Update.

I can't believe that school is in a few days! Let me update on a few things, the frosh dance was on Thursday night and it was hilarious trying to get them to dance. I had fun even though it was kinda hard in the beginning but at the end of the night we were dancing to Man in the Mirror and ending it off with the fight song.

After the end of the dance, the leadership class had got together and talked about how it all went. As sad as it is, the dance was so much fun for most of us because we didn't have to worry about what other people thought. Our main goal was to get the froshes to have fun. We all know that normally we wouldn't be worrying about the no booty in the wang-wang. But overall I enjoyed it. I really can't wait to see how the rest of the year will go!

Than this weekend I went camping with my fam @ Lake Wenatchee. I caught up on soo much sleep because that was all I did. It was waaay too cold to go swimming and I couldn't do much with any of the little kids.

I spent a good amount of time with the sister, but than again we ALWAYS spend time with each other. I barely remember what we had talked about at the end of the night because I was so tired.

Jack its sooo cooooold.

But I did have a lot of time to think about stuff.. again. No matter what I thought it always came back to the same conclusion.

"We just have to accept the fact that people are going to stay in our hearts even when they don't stay in our lives."

-Lisa

I think, I Think Too Much,

Lately, I've been having a lot of down time. So with that time I take the time to re-evaluate the occurrences of this life I've been given. I try to go on with each and everyday being thankful, never regretting, and knowing that each thing I have been given.. I am blessed for.

But I can't help but always think, Why?
Why did this happen?
Why did I do this?
Why didn't that happen instead?
The questions I ask myself go on and on.

The question I always seem to find myself asking is "Could it get any worse?" Sometimes I find it hard to keep going, especially when you reach you're breaking point. To each and every so-called bad experience you get, you grow.. Right? You become a stronger person.

But, can you become so strong to a point where you're numb to the pain that you should be feeling.. than you just don't anymore.

I've always been independent. I've never relied on anyone to help me pick up the pieces when they've fallen. It would be a routine, and I'd become used to it. When people say, "Are you okay?" It would be a ritual to say, "Yes, I'm fine." Than turn away, smiling, still knowing it really wasn't.

How come this time? I can't do it. I can't do it on my own.

& the person I needed the most turned and walked away.

-Lisa

Frosh are Friends NOT Food

Oh boy, did I think the theme for the frosh orientation was funny. I am soo exhausted though xp Even though things didn't run as smoothly as they could've been I thought it was had been pretty successful. I enjoyed trying to get those frosh's to get hyped up during the pep assembly. It was so long though.

What I didn't enjoy was how passive some of them would be. But than again, its a whole new place for them and I too was the same way when it came to my orientation.

I really just can't wait for this year to start because I'm going in with a whole different attitude.

-Lisa

Venting out.

The more I look around and listen, I realize that I'm not alone. We are all facing choices that define us. N o choice, however messy, is without importance in the overall picture of our lives. We all at our own age have to claim something, even if it's only our own confusion. I am in the middle of growing up and into myself.

---

I'm Tiired, Stressed out, and Fed Up. For some reason the smallest things have been really getting to me and I'm starting to reach my breaking point once again. The suck-ish thing is its not just one thing that is bothering me. Its as though every small problem is blowing up and no matter where I turn I'm facing something.

I can't hide or run away or just give up anymore. I need to keep my mindset to just dealing with it and trying to make the best out of every situation because THAT'S ALL I CAN DO. I'm fighting as hard as I can before I have no more else to give and I'm just done with it all.

Maybe I'm just being a little overly emotional at this moment, but I'm just upset and blogging it out is a way to just let go a little. I'm just hoping for things to go smoother as the days pass by.

-Lisa

Tidbit on Love

It takes 3 seconds to say "I love you," 3 minutes to explain it, 3 hours to demonstrate it, 3 days to appreciate it, & a lifetime to prove it. The hardest part in loving is when you can only view the person you love from a distance. It's only until you open your eyes to the one who's always there, if not you'll never realize how amazing it could've been.

The test of true love is having all the things go wrong but still having a special way to love despite all the wrong things that may happen.

Love isn't about becoming somebody else's "perfect person." Its about finding someone who helps you become the best person you can be. Love until it hurts, and when it hurts, love some more. And when it hurts some more, love even more, and when it hurts even more, love until it hurts no more. Love is the extremely difficult realization that someone other than oneself is real. You can't make someone love you. All you can do is be someone who can be loved. The rest is up to the person to realize your worth.

Love is a commitment, not a feeling. Romance is not love. If I love you because you're beautiful, that's romance. But if you're beautiful because I love you, that's love. Never take love for granted because the best thing in this world is knowing that you are loved. So if you have someone special, hold that person close to your heart. We lose someone we love only when we are destined to find someone else who can love us more than we can.

When we are in love, we often doubt that which we most believe. Love knows no reason, love knows no lies. Love defies all reasons, love has no eyes. But love is not blind, love sees but does not mind. What lips hide, the eyes reveal. People say "I love you" just for the sake of saying it, some just for pity, & some because they promised. When you think real hard, the people who find it so hard to say are usually the ones who mean it. Love is everything its cracked up to be. Its worth waiting for, worth being brave for, and you know what? If you don't risk anything, you risk even more.

What is love? Those who don't like it call it a responsibility, those who play with it call it a game, those who don't have it call it a dream, those who love call it a destiny.

In times of darkness, love sees.
In times of silence, love hears.
In times of doubt, love hopes.
In times of sorrow, love heals.
And in all times, love starts within yourself.

Love is sometimes denied, sometimes lost, sometimes unrecognized. But in the end always found with no regrets, forever valued, kept and treasured. Whenever, wherever, if you are meant to be for each other, love will be there. You don't need to search for love, love will find you.

-Lisa

Serendipity<3

I'm a firm believer in serendipity: all the random pieces coming together in one wonderful moment, when you suddenly see what their purpose was all along.

I might edit this later, when I feel like blogging more but for now I'm going to leave it as is.

-Lisa

In Good Company

Love
The irresistible desire,
to be irresistibly desired.
--Robert Frost

---
I believe that the best things in life happen when you least expect it, because you have high expectations on something than whatever is going on will just seem as though it didn't reach your standards.

I love to live in the moment and do things spontaneously. Yes, I love planning & having things be somewhat organized so things don't get way out of hand. But when you get stingy about it, & you're too worried about what others think, than you're not living in the moment.

Cherish the moments and don't let any of them pass you by.

Honestly, I love to laugh and smile and I try to have those around me do the same. That's just the person I am. But sometimes it really just bugs me when you're around others that come off as "too cool." Those people that give the attitude of being all high and mighty. And those that give the "I don't care". Don't you know that when you do that, you're hurting someone, regardless if you know it or not . .

This may come off naive, but I just don't understand why people have to be this way. It seems as though you're building yourself up. But for what? To get recognition of a jerk? To give off an impression. An impression to who? And the fact that you don't do things or hang out with someone because it might ruin your reputation? What the heck is with that?!

Maybe this is just something I'll never be able to understand.

But what I do know for myself is, I believe that all good happens when you're in good company. :D

-Lisa

Retreat ; Priorities ; Values

I will have poetry in my life and adventure and love;
love above all.
-Shakespeare In Love

---
In the past week I've kinda needed to re-evaluate my priorities and let me tell you it has been one emotional week. I don't know why, because before leaving for retreat I thought I had been set clear on what I wanted and how I was to approach everything, but I was proven so wrong.

We had done a few icebreakers that made me really think, "Wow, I don't like the person I am." But than again, if I don't accept myself for who I am, how am I supposed to get others to? I had to think about my past, think about my values, and my self-worth.

Through out all of the thinking, I just came to the conclusion that This is me, and whether you like it or not, I'm going to walk my talk and be who I am. I'm not going to let anyone else's negativity or actions affect me.

Its always made me think of how blessed I am, once again. I constanstly do need to remind myself that others do have it worse. And I love the fact that so many people have stuck with me even though some of my actions are irrational.

My summer feels as though its coming to end due to the fact that I have to come in almost every single day. But its all good. I'm actually happy to say that I'm excited for this year. It's yet another opportunity to grow and need I say learn? Yupp, Yupp. I'm done :)

-Lisa

Lost My Faith.

It takes a minute to have a crush on someone,
an hour to like someone
& a day to love someone,
but it takes a lifetime to forget someone.

---
I never want to forget, maybe put things aside.. never forgetting though. No matter how hard it gets. Some days it can just get so hard. I remember when I had given up and that was it. I can't believe this was me 8 months ago;

Lost,
Jan 14, 2008
I don't know who I am anymore. Its like I've lost all meaning towards everything I do. I used to care so much. But all of a sudden I've got this don't care attitude. I don't want that. But since I'm well aware of this, than why am I acting this way.Things are getting too hard,too complex. I just don't know what to do.

I sounded so pessimistic. And I can just remember how much I had lost myself. I had lost my faith. And I had no intentions of finding it again. After numerous times of "getting myself in check", I came to the realization that moping around was not the answer.

It's funny to think how much time has passed. I can't ever imagine myself like that again. I've found my faith again and it's sticking around. Sure, I'm always having to remind myself of how blessed I am for the people in my life and how good I have it. But never will any time be taken for granted.

I just always hope. Hoping for strength. Hoping for the future. Hoping for others to open their eyes and see what's right in front of them.

-Lisa

First Blog for August!

I can’t believe we are already in August! This is insane. Now its totally crunch time. I’m busy this whole, which totally sucks. But I’m excited to go to the Retreat next Sunday. But 3 days? Ugh, seems forever. It’s going to be fun though.

Mostly, I can’t wait to get out of this house! Lately I’ve been feeling as though my parents are suffocating me. They keep holding on when its about time for them to let me go. I know it sounds pushy, but I’m ready to make it without them holding my hand.

I’ve had talks with my mom about this and it always the same . . We argue and it always comes off as me pushing her away but I just want her to see where I’m coming from.

I mean, c’mon . . Junior year! I’m growwwing up.

Goodness, I have so many different emotions going through my heart. I’m happy/anxious/satisfied/sad ? . . why?

Cause I’m constantly missing Matthew =/ I’ve honestly never thought I’d be able to feel this way about anyone, but things change. And this change was most def. for the good. There are so many reasons why I adore him as much as I do but the biggest reason is the fact that he allows me to be .. well, ME, when I'm around him.

I remember when I used to be all jealous when girls would start talking about how amazing their boyfriends are and I would always think to myself, "I've never understood that." But now, I know and it really is thee best feeling. I don't know what I did to deserve him but I truly feel blessed to have him in my life.

Wow, this blog is getting to be longer and more deep than I thought about writing from the start. But I'm just on a roll tonight. I'm going to end this with a quote :)

Imagine a future moment in your life,when all your dreams comes true. You know it's the greatest day of your life & you get to experience it with one person. Who's standing next to you?
-One Tree Hill

-Lisa

What If ?

It's actually pretty amazing when you love life. It's something you look forward to and suddenly who you are and whoyour friends are doesn't really matter. It's what you do that makes the time special.

---
I'm the kind of person that never lets anyone get the best of me. I've learned to build bridges instead of building those walls that are inevitably torn down. I enjoy giving people the benefit of the doubt. But when some people take advantage of it, that is when second chances are risky. I never know if it'll actually be worth it. And when the second chances don't work, I'm sure as hell not giving out a third or fourth try.

But sometimes I wonder, what if? What if things could be different? What if they change? What if they don't? What if the chance is wasted?

I hate questioning my actions, but if I don't than no one else is going to do it for me.

There are times when I get just soo scared. I don't want the fact of being scared to mess up any good opportunities. Although I am well aware of this, I let it happen anyways. I stutter my words. My actions are clearly weak. I'm hesitant on my next move. And my state of mind is blank. Than later I'm mad at myself for letting the moments slip away as they do.

Maybe this is the time for me to keep branching out and seriously take the risk. I'm tired of being scared and tired of having it as an excuse to not do what I do.

Take the risk, make the move.

-Lisa

PS.
Vinh is a homofaggetdoucheface whom I love.

Love & Hate

I have so much doubt and confusion going through my mind and heart. At this moment in my life, I don't understand why. I'm always questioning ; Love & Hate.

When I was younger people would always say, "Never say you hate something/someone, it's such a strong word." But ever think that love is too. It can have both have a significant impact but a different cause of feeling.

First off, the word hate. The dictionary defines hate as ; verb (used with object) to dislike intensely or passionately; feel extreme aversion for or extreme hostility toward; detest. Now that's a whole bunch of gibberish to me. I know I sound so naive when I say that I don't understand the reason or motive for hate in this world. Because everything has a way of being talked out and resolved.

The word hate usually comes up out of bitterness, jealousy, being angry, or other small emotions that make you feel the need to use it. I sure don't like when people have hatred towards me, so think twice if you like it being said about yourself..

--

I've noticed how many people throw the word love around. As if it's nothing. I've learned to only say it when I mean it. I'm not going to waste my time telling someone I love them, when I don't. And I sure as hell don't want to hear it when there's not true feeling/meaning to it.

I think the feeling of love is the best. Especially when you know that the other person loves you back. Between your family, your best friends, or that significant other. It just feels good to know that at your lowest, you can think of them and it brings you back up.

To get up in the morning only to knowyou have to face another obstacle takes : strength .
To smile when the only thing you think you can do is cry takes : bravery .
To act happy and laugh when you know times are at their worst takes : courage .
To be joyous when the good news is only the best of the bad news takes : support .
To be there and help others through the roughest times takes : love.

-Lisa

I Really Hate,

feeling insecure, worthless, unwanted, neglected . . you know all that bad stuff.

I hate feeling the all time low. But I always try to look on the good side. Each moment of sadness is a moment of happiness that you'll never get back. I guess that's why I hate feeling as I do. Why? I don't know, maybe because something brings out the worst in me. . That something being, the cousin of greed. Jealousy. I'm usually not even the jealous type but for some reason it just brings out the worst in me at some moments.

But why now? . .

Maybe its because its late at night and I'm trying to figure my feelings out. Maybe I'm being delusional. Maybe I'm just angry. I hate hate hate how I'm feeling though. Maybe its because . . I don't know, I'm scared ?

-Lisa

Falling . .

The wonderful thing about falling in love is that you learn everything about that person so quickly. And if its true love, then you start to see yourself through their eyes and it brings out the best in you. It's almost as if you were falling in love with yourself.

What is there to fear in love? Love is the very reason we live. Fearing love is like being afraid of breathing, it's not something to be scared of, it's something so natural that no one can resist.

You know you're in love when holding hands..is holding on to everything.

The thing about you is -- you're fun. You make me laugh and make me feel more alive. Okay, you make me a little crazy sometimes, but these are the moments in my mind, crystal clear images of you and I and how we fit together, and it all just makes such perfect sense, and I know what I want, I want time with you.

---
[I thought I'd post a few quotes because I really liked these ones ;) , oh and here's a blog I wrote awhile back that was saved into my computer that I'd thought I'd share. I tweaked a few things but I hope you enjoy reading it!]

I think falling in love is one of the most mixed up and weirdest emotion that you will ever start to feel in your life. Its so hard to explain but than you can't help but to just try to explain it to someone. But than how do you even know if its real? If its just plain infatuation.

You know what I say to that?. I say, enjoy it while its there and when its gone just be happy that it was there and that it was a good experience. Its the memories that you know you're gonna be keeping for the rest of your life, so make the most of it.

Especially when you start to fall for someone you never expected to. That's when things start to get complicated but a lot more worthwhile. The best things in life are unexpected. One second you know exactly what you're feeling and one small little thing can change it all and gets you rethinking everything all over again. But that's just how it is, right?

And than there's people who say that you're too young to be falling in love at an age like this..but than its like, look at yourself haven't you found yourself falling but didn't know it, realized it, wanted to stop, didn't really want to `but than did?. you're all of sudden listening to slow jams, reading sappy quotes, and while doing those things thinking of that someone?. Its love and it's just soo incredibly unpredictable.

Mostly all I want to say is don't tell someone you really love them when you honestly really don't..and just to open your eyes. Don't let anything slip away because you'll be kicking yourself in the head about it later.

This feeling I have now is just wow, I'm loving where I am at.

-Lisa

Why?

Don't waste your time asking why such an amazing thing could happen to you, just let it happen. Don't doubt that you could be loved, just let yourself be loved. If you don't believe you're worth of anyone's time, then you won't be. Take yourself seriously and others will too. "Why" is a wasteful question. Why? Cause that'sthe way it's supposed to be. That's the only answer you can have. Accept it.

---
Things feel so good :) The weather is kinda getting crappy again, but lets face it. We need to enjoy it before its all gone. I just can't believe how fast the days are going by. We're going to hit August pretty soon, than school. Ugh, I don't even want to think about it all yet.

I already need to start going back into school to help with DECA to plan for all of our upcoming events. It's going to be an exciting new year but all of the work we're going to have do makes me really nervous. But I know we can do it.

Oh yeah, I haven't even started doing any of my dance stuff. I'm am far too lazy to learn/choreograph anything at this moment. We start meeting next month. I really want to get a day we're all the girls meet up and just hang out before than. I really hate how hard it is to get a hold of everyone though >:(

Blah, I'm just going to enjoy being lazy for a bit while longer now.

-Lisa

My Writing.

Wow, I just realized how much I hate blogging during Summer but when there's nothing to do blogging is what comes to mind. Just to vent out my feelings or just ramble on about an even that has occurred during the day.

I've always found comfort in writing my heart out, having my words be seen, talked about. The most rewarding; when I know my words have helped someone else out there. Although I am only writing my thoughts/experiences, its always nice to know.

I also love it when someone is willing to help confide me in a problem a write about in my blogs. Its as though I may not know you or ever speak to you again, but for 5 minutes of your day you took the time to read what I had to write.

Why not blog? That's what I have to say to those who don't. Sure, it may seem weird for the first few tries but when you're able to read back and see the kind of person you used to be to who you are now. . that's a good feeling.

-Lisa

Close to Perfect

Welcome to wherever you are
This is your life,
you made it this far.
Welcome, you've got to believe that right here,
right now you're exactly where you're supposed to be.

---
& I am. Everything feels perfect, (well as perfect as things can get). I really would not want it any other way. I hate to seem so cliche but honestly, Matthew makes me feel so happy. The happiest that I've ever been in a long time. Yet at the same time, sad, only because I miss him. Just being in his arms, his kiss. . It's just all that simple, but complicated at the same time.

I know that falling is falling, but when do we know if we've landed or crashed and burned? That's the risk you take. Most don't because they're scared of getting burned.

In the past, I've always reassured myself that taking the risk is always worth it. Yes, crashing on the way only helps you grow. Because of of that I am now able to know who I am. And by knowing who I am, I'm not scared of putting myself out there anymore.

I may not know a lot, scratch that; I don't know a lot. But all I really know is no one has ever made me feel the way that Matthew has, I don't even think anyone else can. Yeah, I'm taking that fall.

Baby take the risk.

-Lisa

That's Deep.

I can't believe how fast my life has been turning around. I love it. After all the stupid, pointless drama, I finally feel at ease with it all. I remember last summer I had taken my days for granted, but this time I'm not wasting anytime doing all the things I want to do.

Even life at home hasn't been as tragic. Yes, my family is still getting it together. But that's what it is. Although our family is broken in two as is, it's all the little steps we take to come back as a whole. 1 family. And those are the moments that I try and cherish the most. I know that I'm always saying that I get mad when I try not to. But thats just the way it is. You have to fight in order to grow.

Lately, the fighting has been on my part. And I'm not fighting for them as hard as I used to but I'm still trying. I have a few more years left in this house and I when the day comes , I want my parents to know that they've raised a strong girl with a good head on her shoulders. I've been doing good so far, I just need them to trust me more and know that all of my instincts are for the good.

Phew, I just needed to vent that out a little. But anyways, I'm in love with the song Lucky by Jason Mraz ft Coblie Cailat at this moment.

"They don't know how long it takes
Waiting for a love like this
Every time we say goodbye
I wish we had one more kiss
I'll wait for you I promise you,
I willI'm lucky I'm in love with my best friend
Lucky to have been where I have beenLucky to be coming home again
I'm lucky we're in love in every way
Lucky to have stayed where we have stayed
Lucky to be coming home someday."

& I'm lucky to have Matthew :)

-Lisa