Unsure.

I don't know whether to cry because things are getting so overwhelming. Or smile because its a good thing everything is happening the way it is . .

My heart has been having this icky sinking feeling lately. Like something is going to happen and I should be keeping my guard up. Why is this? I have no clue. I don't like this feeling AT ALL, but I just can't shake it.

At this point in my life, I should be at my happiest. There's moment that I am, I see it, but only for that moment. Than I just get the feeling. I'm starting to think there's something wrong with my mindset.

Or it could just be that I'm used to having something bad happen when things get soo good. I know it sounds as if I'm not appreciative. But I honestly am. I've said this numerous times that I feel soo blessed with the life that I've been given. As for my circumstances that I've been place in, I'm not so blessed. It's a sign for growing and getting stronger. Well, I'm just going to leave it with these words :

"You can be up so high to a point, but when you get there . . what next? . . You can only go down."

-Lisa

(I apologize for being a bit pestimistic with this blog but I just really needed to vent out. It's been a long week.)

I'm Not Scared Anymore

I've always lived my life, pleasing others. Living up to their standards. Always scared to do my own thing. But right now, I'm not scared anymore. I'm taking my own steps, following MY past. Drawing it all out by myself.

I've grown so much in these past couple of months. I know in my past blogs I've written about this, but as I'm sitting here typing this blog entry. To this exact moment, I know how much I've grown. I'm glad for those who have influenced me for the good. I even say thanks to those that made a bad influence, because if not that I wouldn't no right from the wrong.

I wish I could go back in time and tell myself that things will be okay. Suck it up and don't cry because you'll be fine. But than again, what fun would that have been. I found out for myself. I am okay now. It only took a couple of months.

But guess what? I'm smiling with grace. Nothing is going to change that for awhile.

-Lisa

Satisfactory

"You can choose to blame your circumstances on fate, or bad luck, or bad choices. Or you can fight back. Things aren't always gonna be fair in the real world, that's just the way it is, but for the most part, you get what you give. Let me ask you all a question, what's worse? Not getting everything you wished for or getting it, but finding it's not enough? The rest of your life is being shaped right now, with the dreams you chase, the choices you make, & the person you decide to be. the rest of your life is a long time, & the rest of your life starts right now." -One Tree Hill

--

Lately I've been in a horribe slump. I think it's the lack of sleep and that we're hitting the last quarter. I still have so much to do! I need more timee. There's never enough time anymore. We're growing up too fast right now. Oh, how much I miss the past. How I wish I would've cherish things so much more. I can't helpt but think, "I'm going to be on my own."

That's such an understatement. Theses past couple of months, I've already been on my own. I've been learning to make my own decisions. Take the consequences. I've learned to pick up all these pieces on my own. It's soon to say, but I'm ready to take anything on that comes my way.

I'm excited yet scared. I'm never going to use the excuse of being scared for my failings. I used to always be scared. But no not anymore. That was the old me.

I can't help but see how much I've changed. I always talk to Gabby about this. But it's truee. Looking back, I can't believe how I used to be. The brighter side of all this : I'm satisfied of who I've become.

-Lisa

Exhausting Day

I'm really starting to get sleep deprived =/ I really felt it today. I fell asleep in two of my classes. Ugh, this is very bad. I'm trying to catch up on my sleep, but there's just so much that needs to be done.

I hate it when people over-analyze timee. Yes, its a good thing to plan it all out. But trying to accomplish things at a precise time is kind of difficult. Time really just slips away. It's like you're sitting doing homework at 5 and the next thing you know 8 0'clock hits.

I'm soo disappointed with things that I've been missing out on, and all of the things I've been letting slip away just because I can't focus or just can't put the energy into it anymore.

-Lisa

Dreading Monday's

Wow, I am seriously lagging. I hate it. Stupid WASL took everything in me and now I just gotta bring it all back, FAST! Especially since this is one of my busiest week. My teacher's are seriously not cutting us a break at all. So I'm sitting there, zoning in and out.

Than dance practice for 2 hours was killing me. You have no idea. I'm trying everything out while I'm spacing out. But we did get a lot of the choreography donee. The mix that Kayhla got for us is 5 minutes long, so we're basicly dead after it all. We were supposed to each get CD's so we can incorporate our own choregraphy but we can't get one until the world "pornography" is bleeped out. It's lamee, but its whatever. So now I'm just putting random moves together to make it work until we have our next practice.

Oh yeah! Than Nikki told me that I made it into Leadership for next year! :) I had no idea because I guess they posted it up today. Sadly, I have no idea who else is going to be in it but her. But it's all goood. The class is supposed to be fun so I'm pretty much excited about that all.

I can't help but think how fast this quarter is going to end and how busy I'm going t obe next year with DECA, Dance, Leadership, and Debate. No sleeping for me, right?

Well right now I got a lot of homework to do. I gotta quit procrastinating.

-Lisa

It's Done/Relationship With My Parents

This week has been sooo effing long, but I'm glad it's done with. The WASL seriously took everything in me, & I'm exhausted. I don't think I did good, but it feels like so whatever. I don't even understand the point of the test. Especially when they (the school's) don't even know why we need to take it and what the rest of the high school graduation requirements are.

Most of my teacher's that I've talked with about this mostly tell me the same thing, "Yeah, I don't understand the point. We base all of our teachings around this test. There really is no point to it."

Than why do we take it?! -_-"

Anyways, I think its ridiculous that it's continuing to snow in Spring. I think Washington state is soo weird. My Dad enjoys saying "It's because of global warming" Haha. It's funny when he gets all scientifical on me.

I had some good quality time with my Mom. We went to the mall and just talked about a lot. I feel so blessed that my Mom and I have such a great bond. Now that I'm getting older our relationship is changing. But in a good way.

I'm no longer that little girl that felt the need to always run to my parents when something was wrong and expect them to make things better for me. I'm now becoming a stronger young adult, seeking my parents input, and fixing things on my own. And hoping that each step that I take will not only benefit myself, but make them proud.

It gets frustrating at times and I wish I didn't get mad at them so easily. But in the end of the day, they will forever always be the two main people in my lifee.

-Lisa

I hate WASL,

I feel extremely exhausted and it sucks. I hate taking the Math WASL. I fell asleep during it, so when I woke up I was just like "Oh crap, what else do I need to do?!" I finished but I don't feel like I did that great. But whatever. Tomorrow we finish the second half, and that's the part where we don't use calculators. I didn't have to use mine that much to day so I'm guessing tomorrow will be fairly easy.

I'm really not looking foward to the science WASL. I suck at it. And my teacher was telling me how we can't BS on it because if you do than later on you'll contradict yourself, than you're whole thing will be marked wrong.

Besided all that, dance practices started yesterday. And I really like the mixes that Kahyla got for us. I'm really mad at the football coach because he was being such a jerk when we told him that we were supposed to be using the upper gym. They weren't even doing anything, so its was like wow, we're actually doing something. And do you seriously take up the whole gym JUST sitting there. So than we had to go the downstairs gym, which was fine, but we had wasted so much time. Just because of all that practices are cancelled for the rest of the week. It's so dumb.

On a brighter notee, I still feel pretty good besides all the bad things :)

-Lisa

Long Week, Good Day

This week had seem to go by really slow. Maybe it was because it was the first week back from break, or because it's the ending of the quarter. Either one, it felt extremely long. I was trying to get all my work turned in, and I have this icky feeling that I forgot to do something. I'm sure it'll come to me by the time the grades go out. =/ Oh well, I gotta be optimistic about it all, right?

Than dance practices are starting on Monday. I'm supaa excited but stressed-ish because I know I'm going to have to manage things way better because we're hitting the ending. But I just want to have something to do.

But on a really goood note: I got my boyy :)

I'm so happy, it was so cute the way he asked. I had really not expecting it. He had his friend come into our 3rd period class, delivering a dozen roses. When I first saw them I was just thinking,"Aww, who are those for?" And than my friend Katie says, "They're for you, I just heard him say that." When my teacher hands me the rosses, I read the note and it says, "Will you go out with me?" I look at him, and he says, "So will you?" Of course I said yes.It sounds so cliche to say this but I'm going to anyways. It just feels really goood to know that someone cares about you, and looks forward to seeing you,just as you would.

-Lisa

Back

First day back is always a drag. I couldn't get to sleep so I ended up just watching tv until I fell asleep, which is horrible cause I know I didn't get enough hours. Than going to school, I kept feeling like I was forgeting something. And the feeling just wouldn't go away until I get to my geometry class and I realize I forgot my calculator. Stupid I know. But I have soo much homework I'm blogging just to procrastinate it all =/

Than after school, I stayed after to make posters for the dance fundraisers. The first one we're having is ColdStone on April 22, you have to bring a coupon and 25% of the profit goes to our team. So everyone should go to the one on Everett Mall way and buy something :) I'll be sitting there with a cake to raffle off. Than we are doing a Ruby's Diner which is on June 5th, from 5:00-9:30 and I think 20% of the profits go to the team but just like Cold Stone you need a flyer. So people should mark those 2 days and go. If you need a flyer I can give you one for sureee. For the Ruby's Diner in Alderwood Mall, I'll most likely be walking around the mall during those times handing them out.

But we serously have to start pushing the funding. Dance camp cost $150 but we're hoping that ASB+our funding will be able to pay that off. We haven't even picked out shoes. Ugh!

I really need to make bank though. Effing Icing's has not even called me yet, but I checked with one of my references and they haven't even called her yet, so its like what's going on?

-Lisa

Happier Times

I'm not depressed, but lately I've been finding myself in a slump. I stayed in bed ALL DAY. I need to find something to look forward to everyday. When I was laying there I couldn't help but think of all the things I miss. I miss those simplier times. When there were no worries and I would just plan for the future. Well the future is now. I can't help but think how complicated my life has been getting. I'm not trying to complain, I got a lot of good things going on for me that other people would die for but I feel as if i'm just..

CONTENT

I'm tired of feeling content. I want to to live a life worth-wild. Not a life of just being content. Because being content means you're settling for what you got when you could go higher. Shoot, I'm going to shoot HIGHER. How do I do this? I'm not sure. That's what I gotta figure out.

Some days it feels as if I'm living my life for other people. ie, my parents. Yes, everything I do ; I do to make them happy. When I succeed over the limits its average in their eyes. When I fail, its a huge disappointment and a "you could do better." Why can't you be like [insert name here]. Than I have to make a counterexample..

It's even more pressure when I'm not only the oldest sibling but the oldest out of all my 15+ younger cousins. It's always the "you need to set a good example."

I'm working my ass off. I never get a good job, its just expected out of me. My motivation right now is ; do it and they'll leave you alone. That's a horrible way to do things but that's whats working for me right now.

-Lisa

Sunshine!

MY FIRST BLOG FOR APRIL!
I woke up to sunshine, and it feels nice! :) Today feels like its going to be a good one. I have a job interview with Icings today. Cross my fingers, and hope I get it. I'm looking outside my window and I'm really hoping/praying that its going to stay like this.

I don't have much to say but that I'm loving the sunshine..so I'll blog a little about yesterday.

I hung out with Fgt Gabby. Took effing forever. At first when I asked my mom to drop me off she was like no. But than after she said okay. I hate it when she does that. But we went to get our nails done, than hit Bellevue square. I fell in love with .. a dress. Haha. Omg, I want to go to Prom so bad now. =/ It was really good hanging out with her. We reminisced hella, but how could we not. We let things past by too fast. .

Hope everyone has a nice/sunny day.

-Lisa

Pt. 2

I went to my interview, and I was soo nervous. She asked me so many questions and I could feel myself jumbling my words together. Even though I didn't have work experience I was able to tell her about being in DECA and the opportunities I had with that. But in the end I think it went well. She says she's going to be calling me on Friday or Saturday because she needs to call my references. So hopefully I'm called in to start on Monday! :)