What If ?

It's actually pretty amazing when you love life. It's something you look forward to and suddenly who you are and whoyour friends are doesn't really matter. It's what you do that makes the time special.

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I'm the kind of person that never lets anyone get the best of me. I've learned to build bridges instead of building those walls that are inevitably torn down. I enjoy giving people the benefit of the doubt. But when some people take advantage of it, that is when second chances are risky. I never know if it'll actually be worth it. And when the second chances don't work, I'm sure as hell not giving out a third or fourth try.

But sometimes I wonder, what if? What if things could be different? What if they change? What if they don't? What if the chance is wasted?

I hate questioning my actions, but if I don't than no one else is going to do it for me.

There are times when I get just soo scared. I don't want the fact of being scared to mess up any good opportunities. Although I am well aware of this, I let it happen anyways. I stutter my words. My actions are clearly weak. I'm hesitant on my next move. And my state of mind is blank. Than later I'm mad at myself for letting the moments slip away as they do.

Maybe this is the time for me to keep branching out and seriously take the risk. I'm tired of being scared and tired of having it as an excuse to not do what I do.

Take the risk, make the move.

-Lisa

PS.
Vinh is a homofaggetdoucheface whom I love.

Love & Hate

I have so much doubt and confusion going through my mind and heart. At this moment in my life, I don't understand why. I'm always questioning ; Love & Hate.

When I was younger people would always say, "Never say you hate something/someone, it's such a strong word." But ever think that love is too. It can have both have a significant impact but a different cause of feeling.

First off, the word hate. The dictionary defines hate as ; verb (used with object) to dislike intensely or passionately; feel extreme aversion for or extreme hostility toward; detest. Now that's a whole bunch of gibberish to me. I know I sound so naive when I say that I don't understand the reason or motive for hate in this world. Because everything has a way of being talked out and resolved.

The word hate usually comes up out of bitterness, jealousy, being angry, or other small emotions that make you feel the need to use it. I sure don't like when people have hatred towards me, so think twice if you like it being said about yourself..

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I've noticed how many people throw the word love around. As if it's nothing. I've learned to only say it when I mean it. I'm not going to waste my time telling someone I love them, when I don't. And I sure as hell don't want to hear it when there's not true feeling/meaning to it.

I think the feeling of love is the best. Especially when you know that the other person loves you back. Between your family, your best friends, or that significant other. It just feels good to know that at your lowest, you can think of them and it brings you back up.

To get up in the morning only to knowyou have to face another obstacle takes : strength .
To smile when the only thing you think you can do is cry takes : bravery .
To act happy and laugh when you know times are at their worst takes : courage .
To be joyous when the good news is only the best of the bad news takes : support .
To be there and help others through the roughest times takes : love.

-Lisa

I Really Hate,

feeling insecure, worthless, unwanted, neglected . . you know all that bad stuff.

I hate feeling the all time low. But I always try to look on the good side. Each moment of sadness is a moment of happiness that you'll never get back. I guess that's why I hate feeling as I do. Why? I don't know, maybe because something brings out the worst in me. . That something being, the cousin of greed. Jealousy. I'm usually not even the jealous type but for some reason it just brings out the worst in me at some moments.

But why now? . .

Maybe its because its late at night and I'm trying to figure my feelings out. Maybe I'm being delusional. Maybe I'm just angry. I hate hate hate how I'm feeling though. Maybe its because . . I don't know, I'm scared ?

-Lisa

Falling . .

The wonderful thing about falling in love is that you learn everything about that person so quickly. And if its true love, then you start to see yourself through their eyes and it brings out the best in you. It's almost as if you were falling in love with yourself.

What is there to fear in love? Love is the very reason we live. Fearing love is like being afraid of breathing, it's not something to be scared of, it's something so natural that no one can resist.

You know you're in love when holding hands..is holding on to everything.

The thing about you is -- you're fun. You make me laugh and make me feel more alive. Okay, you make me a little crazy sometimes, but these are the moments in my mind, crystal clear images of you and I and how we fit together, and it all just makes such perfect sense, and I know what I want, I want time with you.

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[I thought I'd post a few quotes because I really liked these ones ;) , oh and here's a blog I wrote awhile back that was saved into my computer that I'd thought I'd share. I tweaked a few things but I hope you enjoy reading it!]

I think falling in love is one of the most mixed up and weirdest emotion that you will ever start to feel in your life. Its so hard to explain but than you can't help but to just try to explain it to someone. But than how do you even know if its real? If its just plain infatuation.

You know what I say to that?. I say, enjoy it while its there and when its gone just be happy that it was there and that it was a good experience. Its the memories that you know you're gonna be keeping for the rest of your life, so make the most of it.

Especially when you start to fall for someone you never expected to. That's when things start to get complicated but a lot more worthwhile. The best things in life are unexpected. One second you know exactly what you're feeling and one small little thing can change it all and gets you rethinking everything all over again. But that's just how it is, right?

And than there's people who say that you're too young to be falling in love at an age like this..but than its like, look at yourself haven't you found yourself falling but didn't know it, realized it, wanted to stop, didn't really want to `but than did?. you're all of sudden listening to slow jams, reading sappy quotes, and while doing those things thinking of that someone?. Its love and it's just soo incredibly unpredictable.

Mostly all I want to say is don't tell someone you really love them when you honestly really don't..and just to open your eyes. Don't let anything slip away because you'll be kicking yourself in the head about it later.

This feeling I have now is just wow, I'm loving where I am at.

-Lisa

Why?

Don't waste your time asking why such an amazing thing could happen to you, just let it happen. Don't doubt that you could be loved, just let yourself be loved. If you don't believe you're worth of anyone's time, then you won't be. Take yourself seriously and others will too. "Why" is a wasteful question. Why? Cause that'sthe way it's supposed to be. That's the only answer you can have. Accept it.

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Things feel so good :) The weather is kinda getting crappy again, but lets face it. We need to enjoy it before its all gone. I just can't believe how fast the days are going by. We're going to hit August pretty soon, than school. Ugh, I don't even want to think about it all yet.

I already need to start going back into school to help with DECA to plan for all of our upcoming events. It's going to be an exciting new year but all of the work we're going to have do makes me really nervous. But I know we can do it.

Oh yeah, I haven't even started doing any of my dance stuff. I'm am far too lazy to learn/choreograph anything at this moment. We start meeting next month. I really want to get a day we're all the girls meet up and just hang out before than. I really hate how hard it is to get a hold of everyone though >:(

Blah, I'm just going to enjoy being lazy for a bit while longer now.

-Lisa

My Writing.

Wow, I just realized how much I hate blogging during Summer but when there's nothing to do blogging is what comes to mind. Just to vent out my feelings or just ramble on about an even that has occurred during the day.

I've always found comfort in writing my heart out, having my words be seen, talked about. The most rewarding; when I know my words have helped someone else out there. Although I am only writing my thoughts/experiences, its always nice to know.

I also love it when someone is willing to help confide me in a problem a write about in my blogs. Its as though I may not know you or ever speak to you again, but for 5 minutes of your day you took the time to read what I had to write.

Why not blog? That's what I have to say to those who don't. Sure, it may seem weird for the first few tries but when you're able to read back and see the kind of person you used to be to who you are now. . that's a good feeling.

-Lisa

Close to Perfect

Welcome to wherever you are
This is your life,
you made it this far.
Welcome, you've got to believe that right here,
right now you're exactly where you're supposed to be.

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& I am. Everything feels perfect, (well as perfect as things can get). I really would not want it any other way. I hate to seem so cliche but honestly, Matthew makes me feel so happy. The happiest that I've ever been in a long time. Yet at the same time, sad, only because I miss him. Just being in his arms, his kiss. . It's just all that simple, but complicated at the same time.

I know that falling is falling, but when do we know if we've landed or crashed and burned? That's the risk you take. Most don't because they're scared of getting burned.

In the past, I've always reassured myself that taking the risk is always worth it. Yes, crashing on the way only helps you grow. Because of of that I am now able to know who I am. And by knowing who I am, I'm not scared of putting myself out there anymore.

I may not know a lot, scratch that; I don't know a lot. But all I really know is no one has ever made me feel the way that Matthew has, I don't even think anyone else can. Yeah, I'm taking that fall.

Baby take the risk.

-Lisa

That's Deep.

I can't believe how fast my life has been turning around. I love it. After all the stupid, pointless drama, I finally feel at ease with it all. I remember last summer I had taken my days for granted, but this time I'm not wasting anytime doing all the things I want to do.

Even life at home hasn't been as tragic. Yes, my family is still getting it together. But that's what it is. Although our family is broken in two as is, it's all the little steps we take to come back as a whole. 1 family. And those are the moments that I try and cherish the most. I know that I'm always saying that I get mad when I try not to. But thats just the way it is. You have to fight in order to grow.

Lately, the fighting has been on my part. And I'm not fighting for them as hard as I used to but I'm still trying. I have a few more years left in this house and I when the day comes , I want my parents to know that they've raised a strong girl with a good head on her shoulders. I've been doing good so far, I just need them to trust me more and know that all of my instincts are for the good.

Phew, I just needed to vent that out a little. But anyways, I'm in love with the song Lucky by Jason Mraz ft Coblie Cailat at this moment.

"They don't know how long it takes
Waiting for a love like this
Every time we say goodbye
I wish we had one more kiss
I'll wait for you I promise you,
I willI'm lucky I'm in love with my best friend
Lucky to have been where I have beenLucky to be coming home again
I'm lucky we're in love in every way
Lucky to have stayed where we have stayed
Lucky to be coming home someday."

& I'm lucky to have Matthew :)

-Lisa

Update!

I haven't' bloged in awhile so I thought I'd do one now just for the sake of doing one.

Let me start of by saying that so far life has been good (= Shoot, there has been a few minor setbacks to my enjoying the sunshine. But I'm saying screw it. . Ahem, some may know what I'm talking about, (the fat lip). I didn't go out for a weeek. But when I did, I was thinking "Wow, I'm like a monster." But when I ask my friends all they say is, "What are you talking about?!"

Maybe that just shows that I'm a little too self-conscious about my outer appearance. But than I come to the realization that it really doesn't matter what other people think. As long as I'm content with who I am, inside and out. And also that I'm also able to surround myself with the people that feel the same way. I hate those superficial/shallow/self-absorbed people.

But anyways, it feels as though the days are going by extremely slow. But that's only a good thing. I want to enjoy every day of the summer days/nights that we have left.

-Lisa

Appreciate.

Today was amazingly good. Is that a word? Oh well, it is now. Haha. Well I woke up to beautiful weather. The sun shining through my window. I had no clue what I was doing today. But that made everything even more exciting. My plans consisted of going to Howarth Park with the Sister, Rachel, and Rassle. It was such a calm standing in the ocean with my feet sinking into the sand. It felt as though nothing really mattered, ya'know? It seemed as though every obstacle you've gone through was just so small. Over exaggerated. Because as I was standing by the ocean. That's just how it all felt. You're just this speck standing by and there's so many other things going on. It made me really appreciate days like this. I absolutely loved it. It got me thinking those situations I had been put into were so small. I'm going to be pushed even farther. Am I ready? All I have to say is bring it, because I am.

"It's only when you're tested that you are able to truly discover who you are. And it's only when you're tested that you discover who you can be. The person you want to be does exist, somewhere on the other side of hard work, belief, faith, and the heartache and fear of what all lies ahead."

-Lisa

4th of July! Parade & More.

Boy was that day busy. My sister & I woke up at 7 to get ready for the parade in downtown Everett. We only had about 5 hours of sleep because I got home late after spending some time with the boyfriend, than she needed catch me up on things! Lots of things.

We got the Everett Civic Auditorium at around 9:30 with Amy. All the girls were so tired. It was funny. We're all trying to get into our formations and let me tell you, I was out of it! The parade was to start at 11 and end around noon. Our team didn't start out turn 'till noon! Our advisors told us it was just a mile. But it certainly did not feel like it. We had performed our short routine 15 times before we had got up to the judging table.

That was bad! Everyone was screaming, and we only had a little boombox to hear from. We did the routine twice. First time our advisor just played it. I couldn't hear anything so I was following everyone with the counts in my head. Second time they played it off the mic, which was better but than I didn't know where to start!

All in all, I thought we had done good on our first round. The girls are so cute. I can't wait to get our pictures (:

& oh yeah! I'm so happy that my parents were able to make it, even though I didn't want them to but it was a good surprise. I <3 'em. Plus it was good seeing Gabby & Chelsey there! I can't forget Taylor who screamed my name! Embarrasing ! Haha.

Our practices start soon. I am mucho excited, yet lazy. ;D

After that, the day was really beginning. My sister & I went home to change. Than with our parents we went to have lunch in Seattle and than went to the Norgate Mall and bought these hella cute gladiator shoes I've been wanting. My aunt is such a biter cause I told her that I wanted them first! But it's s'all gooood.

Later in the night my mom took myself, the sister, Rachel to Harborview Park to watch some fireworks where we than met up with Johnny & Rassssle! It was hella fun. Even though it was soo cold. It was nice that my mom had stayed with us and she was so chilled with the guys being there. She just laughed and sayed they were hella silly. My mom's cute! I'm so happy that we had finally been able to catch up with each other and I was able to tell her what's been going on.

Overall, my 4th was spent soo good. I loved it. I can't wait for later today for my Grandma, My aunt and her kids to come over. (:

-Lisa